Trusting God’s Timing in Parenting & Infertility

I thought I was pregnant this month. It has been incredibly hard to find time to write. Not because I don’t want to. My days seem to get busier and busier. Each day my beautiful daughters are growing and learning, now three and one. My days are being filled living life, absorbed in every sweet moment in this season of motherhood.

This Season of Motherhood

This year I’ve learned how to make sourdough and my own candles, as well as plant my own garden! My mornings are filled with making breakfast, starting laundry, feeding sourdough, getting the kids ready for Catechesis of the Good Shepherd classes, or library day, or just a day outside in our backyard on the swings. Some days we plant in our garden. Some days we dance in the kitchen, covered in flour baking a sweet treat. My afternoons are filled with cuddles, naps, and laughs. Sometimes we are blowing bubbles outside, riding bike, or just swinging on the deck swing together. My daughters are my life. I write about the beauty they give me each day. They are God’s blessings in my marriage.

I am the primary caregiver for my daughters

My husband and I adore our daughters and this special time we have together when they are young. We don’t have a babysitter. We don’t have date nights. My husband works and I stay home with our daughters. There’s been so many discipleship nights, bible study groups, and even movies I would have loved to go to but simply cannot because I am the primary caregiver for my children. Is anyone else like this? Living somewhere you don’t have anyone in your family or a friend’s daughter to babysit? I never thought this would be me but it is. I kind of hide the fact that I am too afraid to find a babysitter because I simply don’t trust anyone with my daughters. What I do know is that God trusted me to be their caregiver…to be their mom. That is something I will always hold onto and be grateful for.

Not all of my friends have become mothers. Some because of infertility.

I was one of those for two years and two months until God had mercy on me and somehow, I got pregnant. This past month I had tried to get pregnant after overcoming my fears of giving birth again, and thoughts of if something happened to me, who would care for our precious daughters? I had what looked like a positive test but couldn’t tell if it was an evaporation line. Turns out it likely was an evaporation line.

Pregnancy Test

It is terrifying to me now that I have been through a traumatic first birth experience and then blessed with an easy second birth. But I sat there in the bathroom, obsessed almost with tests, like I was about 4 years ago when trying to conceive. My pregnancy tests following that were negative and it was crushing. All the symptoms were there. I had cramping for days right after “planting the seed.” I was on day 40, while still breastfeeding. I felt like I was pregnant and it was hard not to get excited. To feel sad is natural. But I also felt the sting of what it felt like back when I had infertility for two years and it made me feel like something was wrong with me for feeling that way. How could I be so ungrateful? I have two beautiful children…but I still felt it sting me right in my stomach and made me feel numb.

I prayed the rosary that morning I got my period and I felt comfort with each Hail Mary. A calming came over me as if God was saying trust in His time.

I trust God’s Timing

I don’t know if I am in the season of trying to conceive again, or if my fears are still holding me back. What I do know is that I am trusting in His timing. He knows me and knows when and if I’ll be ready. I’ve been learning that being a mother, especially being a stay-at-home mom that nothing goes as planned, but God always makes a way for those that believe. I am here, believing and open to another baby. I suppose I am trying to process this season again. Do I have to go through this again? Nothing good is ever easy, but all good and beautiful gifts are from above. Jesus, I trust in you.